Sweet surprise

Pictured from left to right: Anamaria, Little Mattie, Raquel, Sarah, Junior, Marla and Jesus ready to go see The Nutcracker at the Majestic Theater.

Sweet surprise that my younger son, Junior gave us, my wife and I this evening!
Since I don't have Black Thunder in running condition, Anamaria went to pick me up from work, and when we got home, Junior and Sarah (his girlfriend) had cooked dinner for us. And although is not the first time that they do things like that for us, it took me by surprise, given that they moved out of our house back in November, the week before Thanksgiving Day to be precise.
And so it was moving to see them in our kitchen preparing a full meal of blackened Tilapia cured in white wine and capers, breaded shrimp, mashed potatoes and freshly brewed coffee. Delightful. I liked it so much that I said that they should do this more often, like say, twice a week or so.
We thanked them and Sarah said that on the contrary, they were thankful of us for helping them out.
Anyway, I don't know about Junior (and maybe I should be more vocal) but now that he moved out, I miss him and I'm sure that his mom does too. Even though we didn't always see each other every day due to our conflicting schedules of work and school, that times that we had the opportunities we talk of everything, from politics to cars, his siblings and us parents.
I just wanted to write this for posterity. I will seize that next chance and tell him that I miss having him around. I know that sooner or later children have to leave the nest and it may take some time to realize that, they have to build on their lives and memories with families of their own, and that my wife and I only have each other for whatever future God has for us.
I also know that is only a matter of time Raquel will leave too, although she is less and less around.
God Bless my children and my memories of our happy times togheter.
I better stop here, I start getting emotional right away, I am such a wuzz.

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Here's to you, friend

Today I received a text from BTG that reads:

"To all my friends, to all my love ones. It has been an amazing journey these last two years and I am sad that it is time to move on. You will always be in my heart and I am just a letter away! My phone is now off so I will not see any replies. But I am still on and i appreciate your kind thoughts".
1:23PM Tue, Mar 1, 2011
From: S A Brett

Dear friend: Although you may not be able to read this lines of reply, I want to say this, I feel honored to be considered your friend. I don't deserve such a mention. During my attendance to our 12 Step Program, I never felt worthy of your attention and that of others. I am sorry I was not there physically to say farewell. I will not forget the times that you read to me excerpts from the Big Book that pertained to whatever was bugging me at the time. I remember clearly that one of your favorite passages was some lines from The Doctor's Opinion. I especially remember when you told me "Miguel, let us love you until you learn to love yourself" I am still learning, on my own and by myself, which makes it harder.
I admired you for your courage and your calmness when you talked about your upcoming (not final) journey. If there was a special gathering in your honor before today, I know that if I had been in attendance, I would had probably made an scene, I get very emotional and I feel embarrassed that I cry for just about anything. When your initial departure was postponed back in August or September it was a blessing in more than one way; we got to have you around longer and to know you better and that is the hard part, because is hard to say goodbye to someone you care about. God knows that I never doubted your testimony when it came to light that I had threatened Michael and Jason's physically. I know is wrong to say this but I envy your character and optimism, your confidence and courage, even when facing being about to be locked up for 17 and 1/2 years. You know that you are facing the consequences of your actions just as I and others like me are facing our own. Bret Tomás Gonzales, thank you for being there for me from the beginning, thank you for calling me friend. I am sure that God will guide your steps where you are going and that you will meet nice people there and you will convert them in men of goodwill. God bless you and your parents. God willing we will meet again and regardless of the circumstances, if is in God's hands is all good.

Prayer power

.- P r a y e r P o w e r -.

When you pray, you are dealing with the most tremendous power in the world. Finding the process that humbly will open your heart to God, is the power of prayer. Any method through which you can stimulate the power of God to flow into your mind is legitimate.

An illustration of a scientific use of prayer is the experience of a man who opened a small business -as he characterized it, " a little hole in the wall" in New York City- years ago. He had one employee. In a few years they mioved into a larger room and then into extensive quarters. It became a very succesful operation.

This man's method of business as he described it it was "to fill the liettle hole in the wall with optimistic prayers and thoughts." He declared that hard work, positive thinking, fair dealing, right treatment of people and the proper kind of praying always get results. This man worked out his own simple formula for solving his problems through prayer power. The formula is: Prayerize, Picturize, Actualize.

January 2

Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. -The Desiderata

Self-esteem is not static. Within boundaries, depending on the ebb and flow of the tide of our lives, our sense of well being naturally fluctuates. Many of our low points, however, have not so much to do with a particular problem as they do with the state of mind we bring to that problem.
We may not always have control over certain fears. If we were once badly burned, for example, we may always have a residual overreaction to fire -and there are, of course, many kinds of fire. But we do have control over the fatigue and loneliness that set us up for fear attacks. Of all the efforts we may make to bolster self-esteem, avoiding such fatigue and loneliness may be the most important.
Is it always necessary to work as hard as we do? Can we never take a break or a little nap? When was the last time we took a vacation? And how often do we set aside time for a good long conversation with a friend? Sometimes "alone" is not a healthy place to be. Especially if we're also tired. Those are times when our fears find us most vulnerable.

I will avoid getting too tired to feel good about myself.

January 1

Even though time be real, to realize the unimportance of time is the gift of wisdom. -Bertrand Russel

Most of us measure the realities of life by time. Without our being aware of it, the context of time directs, defines, channels, and limits most of our thought patterns. Concepts like past, present, and future divide our lives as neatly as three acts divide a play: One begins where the other ends, until the play is finished. That is the outer world.
But clock ticks and calendar pages don't control the action in the inner world. As we develop the inner awareness that develops self-esteem, we get in touch with a different reality. In the kingdom of our own minds and hearts we discover a self that is neither old nor young, neither beginning nor ending, but just being. In this world there is no such thing as before or after, on time or late. There is only the peace and serenity of now -the now that was, is, and will be.
The healthiest people have dual citizenship: They live in both worlds. When they are saddened that some prized and precious time is passing by, they are also comforted by knowing that the richness of human experience is timeless. All that was good lives on in the inner world -not lost, not wasted, not past. In the soul there is only the eternal present.

Soul making has nothing to do with time as the world measures it.

My feelings right now

I am writing this in a public computer in the Central Library, downtown.
I got here via Via. I left the Black Mariah in the Witte Museum parking lot. It is a good experience to ride the public transportation.

I need to make this clear, my standing in this mess of my own making.
I have not talk to David, I have not attended a meeting since last friday (which was the last time I saw and talk to David), I have not called any other fellow members like Johnny, Glenn, Carlos, Joe H. I am resetting my sobriety date to 01/10/11, since the day before (sunday) I eyaculated after getting aroused over expectations for the weekend in a state park with Anamaria.
So what is that? Where am I ? I think that I am isolating myself again. What happenned? What broughtme to this point? What do I do now? I don't feel like going to another meeting, and I neither feel like or want to talk to anybody in SA.
In a little while i'm going to go upstairs and find a solitary and quite spot to read Patrick Carnes, maybe something from the White Book, maybe a few pages from the AA Book and if the writer's block relents, I will resume my 4th Step work.
"Is good to feel ashamed, and is good to feel guilt because that's what can bring you back into the program..."-Mike C.
I feel ashamed of myself, but I know that I am only human and I am going to fail and slip here and there. God loves me and if He can see past my mistakes, why can't I?
I need to look up and get my life back in track.
A while ago I talk to another SA fellow about how I was experiencing the ups and downs of a rollercoaster, comparing my feelings and moods to the mechanical motions of The Rattler, the rollercoaster ride in Six Flags Fiesta Texas, and how I felt it was a scary and dangerous feeling of living between the gravitational waves of l u s t and the disconnection from my Higher Power meandering in the thin line that divides both.

But enough of that. I need to practice what I preach.
Optimism, that's the key.
I commend my soul, my body, my mind, and that of my loved ones to God. Whatever the results, if is in God's hands, is His Will and is all good.
I'm getting an ALERT! that my time is almost up in this computer.
Well. It will be on another blog entry that I get to write about expressing my gratitute for all the good thing that have been happenning in my life as of late. There is so much that I thank God for.
God, please guide my thoughts as I leave from here to do your bidding. Please don't leave my side and stay with me or better said, God please stay in me. Thou Will Be Done! Not mine. We all know where my best thinking has taken me in the past.
Adios.