January 2

Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. -The Desiderata

Self-esteem is not static. Within boundaries, depending on the ebb and flow of the tide of our lives, our sense of well being naturally fluctuates. Many of our low points, however, have not so much to do with a particular problem as they do with the state of mind we bring to that problem.
We may not always have control over certain fears. If we were once badly burned, for example, we may always have a residual overreaction to fire -and there are, of course, many kinds of fire. But we do have control over the fatigue and loneliness that set us up for fear attacks. Of all the efforts we may make to bolster self-esteem, avoiding such fatigue and loneliness may be the most important.
Is it always necessary to work as hard as we do? Can we never take a break or a little nap? When was the last time we took a vacation? And how often do we set aside time for a good long conversation with a friend? Sometimes "alone" is not a healthy place to be. Especially if we're also tired. Those are times when our fears find us most vulnerable.

I will avoid getting too tired to feel good about myself.

January 1

Even though time be real, to realize the unimportance of time is the gift of wisdom. -Bertrand Russel

Most of us measure the realities of life by time. Without our being aware of it, the context of time directs, defines, channels, and limits most of our thought patterns. Concepts like past, present, and future divide our lives as neatly as three acts divide a play: One begins where the other ends, until the play is finished. That is the outer world.
But clock ticks and calendar pages don't control the action in the inner world. As we develop the inner awareness that develops self-esteem, we get in touch with a different reality. In the kingdom of our own minds and hearts we discover a self that is neither old nor young, neither beginning nor ending, but just being. In this world there is no such thing as before or after, on time or late. There is only the peace and serenity of now -the now that was, is, and will be.
The healthiest people have dual citizenship: They live in both worlds. When they are saddened that some prized and precious time is passing by, they are also comforted by knowing that the richness of human experience is timeless. All that was good lives on in the inner world -not lost, not wasted, not past. In the soul there is only the eternal present.

Soul making has nothing to do with time as the world measures it.

My feelings right now

I am writing this in a public computer in the Central Library, downtown.
I got here via Via. I left the Black Mariah in the Witte Museum parking lot. It is a good experience to ride the public transportation.

I need to make this clear, my standing in this mess of my own making.
I have not talk to David, I have not attended a meeting since last friday (which was the last time I saw and talk to David), I have not called any other fellow members like Johnny, Glenn, Carlos, Joe H. I am resetting my sobriety date to 01/10/11, since the day before (sunday) I eyaculated after getting aroused over expectations for the weekend in a state park with Anamaria.
So what is that? Where am I ? I think that I am isolating myself again. What happenned? What broughtme to this point? What do I do now? I don't feel like going to another meeting, and I neither feel like or want to talk to anybody in SA.
In a little while i'm going to go upstairs and find a solitary and quite spot to read Patrick Carnes, maybe something from the White Book, maybe a few pages from the AA Book and if the writer's block relents, I will resume my 4th Step work.
"Is good to feel ashamed, and is good to feel guilt because that's what can bring you back into the program..."-Mike C.
I feel ashamed of myself, but I know that I am only human and I am going to fail and slip here and there. God loves me and if He can see past my mistakes, why can't I?
I need to look up and get my life back in track.
A while ago I talk to another SA fellow about how I was experiencing the ups and downs of a rollercoaster, comparing my feelings and moods to the mechanical motions of The Rattler, the rollercoaster ride in Six Flags Fiesta Texas, and how I felt it was a scary and dangerous feeling of living between the gravitational waves of l u s t and the disconnection from my Higher Power meandering in the thin line that divides both.

But enough of that. I need to practice what I preach.
Optimism, that's the key.
I commend my soul, my body, my mind, and that of my loved ones to God. Whatever the results, if is in God's hands, is His Will and is all good.
I'm getting an ALERT! that my time is almost up in this computer.
Well. It will be on another blog entry that I get to write about expressing my gratitute for all the good thing that have been happenning in my life as of late. There is so much that I thank God for.
God, please guide my thoughts as I leave from here to do your bidding. Please don't leave my side and stay with me or better said, God please stay in me. Thou Will Be Done! Not mine. We all know where my best thinking has taken me in the past.
Adios.